To start afresh.

New Year's Eve. 

To start afresh. 

Being off last week to recover from the traumatizing events two weeks ago was one thing, but returning to work at the same setting was another. Last night I was on call again with the same doctor who had discharged the baby with me two Tuesdays ago. We had a chance to sit down and talk. We shared how we dealt with things the past week. We both exchanged thoughts. 

The feeling was mutual. We recognized that we probably did what we were supposed to do, but recognized that medicine is never black and white and in retrospect that are always things to be done differently. It will always be a sinking feeling, because those questions can never really be answered, and the thoughts linger on. 

A wise surgeon had kindly told her that she cannot keep beating herself up over this, that in this line of work all we can ask for is that we did our best, or even just that we did what we should (for always promising our best is simply unrealistic and naive). No matter how we work, we will always have some bad outcomes, sometimes as tragic as this. That poor wise surgeon once had an outcome so bad that it took him months of counseling to get over. 

He kindly reminded her, that in this line of work, when bad things happen, you either decide that you don't want to face these risks anymore and do something else, or you recognize that bad things happens, that you still do a lot of good to a lot of people, and that you can still continue to try to do what you should and move on. 

Simply put, you have to try to grow up, or you're not going to cut it here. 

Time to grow up in 2009.