To start afresh.

New Year's Eve. 

To start afresh. 

Being off last week to recover from the traumatizing events two weeks ago was one thing, but returning to work at the same setting was another. Last night I was on call again with the same doctor who had discharged the baby with me two Tuesdays ago. We had a chance to sit down and talk. We shared how we dealt with things the past week. We both exchanged thoughts. 

The feeling was mutual. We recognized that we probably did what we were supposed to do, but recognized that medicine is never black and white and in retrospect that are always things to be done differently. It will always be a sinking feeling, because those questions can never really be answered, and the thoughts linger on. 

A wise surgeon had kindly told her that she cannot keep beating herself up over this, that in this line of work all we can ask for is that we did our best, or even just that we did what we should (for always promising our best is simply unrealistic and naive). No matter how we work, we will always have some bad outcomes, sometimes as tragic as this. That poor wise surgeon once had an outcome so bad that it took him months of counseling to get over. 

He kindly reminded her, that in this line of work, when bad things happen, you either decide that you don't want to face these risks anymore and do something else, or you recognize that bad things happens, that you still do a lot of good to a lot of people, and that you can still continue to try to do what you should and move on. 

Simply put, you have to try to grow up, or you're not going to cut it here. 

Time to grow up in 2009. 

Merry Christmas everyone.

Christmas day. It's nice to have most places closed such that we have a day of not having anything to do. I was going to use this day to catch up with my many "tasks" that I had laid out for myself this week. But in the afternoon my Dad suggested we go out and shoot some pictures of the snow. It was nice to be out, on a fine day with a slightly warmer temperature. We wandered around River Road and soaked in a nice calm sunset. Merry Christmas. 

Today the sun came out.

"... would it be like a mistake? Or would that be because the human body is indeed just that mysterious and medicine can't get a full grasp of it?"

".... hmm... I think the latter..."

Feeling a little better day by day is of course so much easier for me than it is for that family. But at least to some degree I've got to get myself together. Despite all the sympathy and uncertainty about just how preventable this was, I still have to remember that, as per the "House of God", that "the patient's the one with the disease". It isn't to be inhumane, but so that we can stay functional in spite of events like these. Unfortunately, eventually every bad outcome usually evolve into a learning objective. We have to be functional in order to learn to do better next time. 

It's been good talking a little about it. This is definitely the toughest part of this profession. Medicine is so non-black non-white, that almost in all circumstances you cannot be absolutely sure that you did no wrong. There might even be no answer as to what was the best course of action. Some might even argue that you can't safely claim that you "did your best" all the time. You do your work, hope that you did it professionally, with integrity, and hope that it deserves the weight of your title. That's about all we can shoot for. That's about all we can ask for anybody in their work. 

Slowly, I feel my mood becoming lighter. I almost don't want to recover too quickly, because I'll feel guilty if so. But at the same time Christmas is a time to share joy with family and friends, and I shouldn't be a grumpy no more. Do not forget to celebrate the living while mourning for the ones who left. 

Slowly, I shall focus on my life again. 

A good tear.

I finally cried. I guess that's a good thing. It wasn't a large cry. Kinda a wimpy little thing. But it's about time the tears come out. I've held them in long enough. 

It was over a talk with my mom about the incident. During a digression of the conversation, she reminded me about things I did when she got ill. She reminded that, as an example, of how I tried to do good, and how I did do some good. 

I tried. I tried. I guess that's about all I could do in my role. Continue to try. Continue to try to do good. No matter what just keeping trying to do good. 

There are too many sad stories in the world, and I've touched just one of them intimately the past week. If I want to cry over every sad story in the world, I guess I will never stop crying. More than one family will be devastated this Christmas. Let us not forget them. But the couple I met is also not the only one. 

Refocus. Realign myself. Realign so that I can once again try to do good. That's about all I can ask for myself. The retrospective lens will give many perspectives, that is no point in pondering them too much. Analysis is good, but dwelling may be counter-productive. 

Just keep trying to do good. And know that I did some in the past. 

Can't seem to get up.

Can't seem to want to do anything. All I seem to do is sleep. 

Came back post-call yesterday. Slept pretty much the whole afternoon. Went out to a house party. Had a few lighter hours, then came back and slept some more. 

Slept into the afternoon today. Woke up like a zombie. Felt like my brain hasn't switched on. Tried some coffee. Still yawning. Some sugar candy. Still yawning. 

Everyone around me is getting into the holiday spirit. All I can think about is how can I celebrate Christmas when all I can think of is that poor family. 

Hiding in my room. I need some space away from the festive mood. 

I got to get my act together. 

Sad happy faces.

I don't know how I can do this. 

I can't seem to look at another baby (or child, for that matter) without bursting into overwhelming sadness over the one that we lost the other day. How can I share in these new parents' happiness in the office, when I was so intimately part of the medical team involved with another couple losing theirs? I don't even know if I can one day go on and hold preciously my own future children, fully remembering what has happened to this family that night. 

I see these young infants at the office, or these young happy children, and their parents with all their hopes and dreams for them, and all I can think of is the loss of all those hope and dreams of that one family. So devastated. How would they go on? Their lives must be completely destroyed. 

We are all surrounded by children. We are all surrounded by reminders of this great tragedy. No one can get away. 

The night a family is ruined.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling. 

Sadness. Anger. Shame. Worried. Guilt. Concern. 

All blended into some kind of emptiness inside me. I feel sluggish. My arms weak. 

Everything time I was part of the chain of events that lead to somebody's demise, in this case a 2-day old infant, I cannot help but feel responsible, as anyone would. Was my part in this chain significant in his demise. The typical answer I get from others was that "it's not your fault". But the honest answer would be that you are always somewhat responsible. Things happen in a sequence, and having had a hand in it makes you involved. 

And as medical people, we always want to think that disasters are avoidable. I'm never quite sure what the actual answer is. To some extend, there can always be more that could have been done. The catch is that we were never aware of this before hand. 

This isn't the first time I was intimately involved in someone's death. This is also the second time that this has happened just before the holiday season. Every time this happens, I try to reflect on my role in the whole sequence. What could I have done differently, what did I do wrong?

Every time, I sit with the determination that I don't want anything like this to ever happen again. 

But shit always happens, even if it's different kinds of shit. 

Last night wasn't about my place in the sequence, or our medical team's involvement. It was about that poor family and their 2-day-old infant. That poor mother and father and older sister whose lives will be forever marred by this tragedy. Christmas will never be the same for them. Life will never be the same. For a very long time to come, their lives are completely ruined. 

Just imagine what they have to bear with when they continue to receive heart-felt congratulations for their newborn from around the world and as they open presents after presents of baby things coming their way this Christmas. 

I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel. 

I'm so very, very sorry. 

A dose of Hong Kong

And so it is over, my one week excursion in Hong Kong, my packed and often way too rush "vacation", an intense but in the end quite fruitful visit with my loved ones. 

This visit, compared to my last few times, brought many conflicting feelings, including doubts towards how I feel about a place I loved so much, and mixed thoughts about what had happened to some of my closest relatives in the past few years. So much has changed with the people I care about here, but my feelings towards them remain the same. Although it had been quite draining, in the end I was glad I spent the time to come back. Through brief chats, through dinners, or even through a day of shooting photographs with a dear cousin, I was able to get back into the lives of my close ones again, ever so briefly. I always feel the unfortunate side-effect of today's global economy and lifestyle is that families are often spread across the globe, each living their separate lives, in parellel paths not always able to break free to intersect one another. However, the advantage we have is that world travel is easier than ever before. A flight is reasonably priced, and although time is scarced, there is nothing prohibiting me doing what I did this week - taking a week off and flying halfway across the globe to meet a few loved ones for dinner. That was the essence of my trip. It was worth every penny and every second of my flight.

 

Despite all that has gone on the past week and all the people I've met, perhaps the most rewarding part of my trip came at the very end when I spend 2 nights and one weekend day with my brother and sister-in-law wandering the streets of Hong Kong. I had feared we would grow apart ever since they had moved back to Hong Kong to work, a move that I might find difficult to do myself given what I do. But as always, hanging out with them brought me incredible comfort. It is always like old times. The way we goofed around, the way we acted silly. I have always felt, that no matter who we become in the work place as we grow older, that we can, and we should, always act silly at home. 

In the end, at the airport, they even brought me an incredibly expensive but memorable watch for christmas and birthday present, wanting to mark my 30th birthday with something memorable. It is, and always will be. Thank you thank you. 

It has been an incredible week. Short but dense. Dense but sweet. Sweet and worthwhile. Worthwhile and very rewarding. 

I look forward to my next dose of Hong Kong, hopefully in the not-too-distant future. I need my regular dosages, to be 

reminded of my home away from home, my mistress city, my inspiration and my deeply rooted love. 

And maybe one day it will feel like home again, even if ever so temporarily. I know I still have the hunger for it. 

Midnight charm.

Hong Kong is an acquired taste. It starts off messy, chaotic, sometimes down-right ugly, smelly, even scary. 

Gone are the tranquility of the open spaces on Vancouver, the clean streets and carpeted houses, the easiness of driving everywhere and parking somewhat close enough to your destination, the simplicity of not having to carry around the entire day's agenda on your backpack as you wander from one area of town to another running errands. In Hong Kong, "going down to get some milk" can be a bit of a chore. Quite a lot of time is spend traveling around the city. Quite a lot of time spent on your feet and feeling like you wish "home" isn't still several MTR changes away all the time. 

A few days into this trip returning to a city so deeply ingrained in my heart, and perhaps influenced by some of the negativity and sadness I have seen so far, I started to wonder if I still hold the ambition of one day consider moving back to live in this vibrant but challenging city. 

To some extend, I know I have been completely spoiled by my many years in Canada. Things have been too easy, too tame. You feel more protected. You have more privacy. 

You don't feel like you really need to strengthen yourself in an otherwise dog-eat-dog world like it feels like in Hong Kong sometimes. 

But slowly, even after a few days when I finally had some time to myself and found myself sitting alone under the Christmas decorations at Causeway Bay's Time Square one night, Hong Kong revealed its charm to me. 

Its charm, it appears, is best felt at nighttime. 

Although many people think of New York as the "city that never sleeps", my Asian roots has me feeling that Hong Kong isn't far off either. The later the night, it seems that the more people flood to the streets (don't these people have to get up early for work in the morning???). The streets are always lively, always bright, and the shopping is probably the most inspired then. Street food, street venders, everyone comes out and roam the city. Across the Victoria Harbor at Tsim Sha Tsui, one glance at the city lights spreading across Hong Kong Island tells you that this city likes to be looked at at night. She knows she's hot and isn't afraid to show it. 

It is at times like this that I most miss growing up in Hong Kong. To me it is different, seeing the city lights as a visitor versus seeing it as a backdrop to a city I live in. I think the satisfaction isn't quite complete no matter how many times and how often I come back and visit. I will always wonder what it would be like to truly live here. 

Maybe I will keep this thought after all. Like my approach with so many things in life, I may well try to keep the best of both world. There is little doubt that in the near future I will likely continue to practice medicine in Canada (I do believe that I am maladapted to working as a doctor in Hong Kong, even if they let me), but perhaps I may still consider little prolonged excursions in this city. Maybe I can take a course here one day, or further my training in a particular area, or do exchange for a month.

Who says I need to be in a monogamous relationship with both Cities I love. 

Foreign ghost.

“你是外國回來的？”

“huh.... 是的。。。”

我又給人點了像啦。。。

I don't know what gave it away. She said it was the way I dressed. I rather think it was the way I must have looked dorky, the way I looked uneasy in the mist of all these sales-harassment I was getting. I was fraggergasted and couldn't hold my ground (I didn't buy anything, but ended up trying on a bunch of flashy jackets that I couldn't really wear on the street in Vancouver unless I was going to a club or wanted to dress as a pimp). 

Yesterday, I was so happy I finally found one of my favorite hang-outs in Hong Kong in the past several visits - East 188 Shopping Center - a small, narrow, hidden, arrangement of alleys hidden among upstairs on a side street in Wan Chai. It holds a host of curious "Honger" items such as little anime figures, funky jewelries, japanese comics, video games, sometimes pirated DVDs or even x-rated movies, and quite a selection of trendy boutiques selling clothes often by the designers themselves. As much as it is always an inspirating adventure to wander through there, it often feels a little intimitating to me, because it's also where a lot of the young folks go to shop, and young people in Hong Kong has lots of attitude. I often feels very self-conscious as I wander through those shops, looking at stuff but fearing getting too much attention from the bored sales people.  I think all too often it is WAY too obvious that I have no true intention of buying - an attitude that would earn me "the eye" from a lot of the store owners. These places are also places where you would like to bargain on a purchase, and coming off as a foreigner instantly puts me at an disadvantage. 

我這個樣，給人食左都悟知啦！

因果。 Love and support.

回來幾日，聽了很多復籍的故事，很多方面的傷感。

我真的發覺，凡是都有它的因，它的果。

也很難說黑黑白白的是誰對誰錯。

要做快樂的人，不要理會太多別人的是是非非。

學得包容，也要對別人與別人做的事也得包容。

要記住，凡是也不能從表面來看。

但跟著，也不需要看的太深。

我們要關心，不得理會得太多。

Sometimes keeping a healthy distance between ones you care about is the best recipe for a long and stable relationship. 

All I can do is love and support. All I should do is love and support. 

Simple support is probably best.

Sometimes trying to do too much or trying to be too nice can have the complete opposite effect. Sometimes even enough to break apart strong bonds after so many years of tightness. 

A couple of things I learned about myself even after just my second day back visiting in Hong Kong. A lot of things have happened. Its a reminder of how often in life, keeping a simple perspective on life may be the best recipe. 

There is no point trying to please everybody all the time. That cannot happen. Too much effort pleasing one person will inevitably upset another who is close to you. Relationships in life should exist in a comfortable balance, with family being at the core, and should always always take the center-piece of your attention. 

I should try not to forget that. 

Everyone, every family has their own struggles. I can only keep to my own while offering my support to others. My role isn't to help them all. I am too powerless for that and it'll be arrogant to think I can do otherwise. What is my role, when others are in need?

Support. Listen. Sometimes just being there. I don't know what it can achieve. But I can only remind myself that I can only do so much. It's not my place to over-extend my boundaries. Caution must be exercised even if I were to try to help. 

Otherwise I can very easily be pouring oil over fire. 

I don't know what to do anymore. I am lost. But I'm here. I'm here to listen. To offer a therapeutic presence if I could to anyone who needs one. I'm not here to cast judgement. I'm not here to save anything. 

I can only hope that with time, things will get better. 

Offer simple support. Stay true to my intensions. Answer only to my heart. That's about all anyone can do anyways. Don't get myself into too many things. Even good deeds need to recognize boundaries. And I can't please them all. I won't please them all. 

Sunrise in HK that I cannot see.

5 am. Woke again. I joked that this jet lag thing is like being post-call when you haven't slept for 24 hours or more. I often don't feel like sleeping the day off anyway. But here in HK, at 5 in the morning, there's NOTHING TO DO but just lie here!

Listen to my ipod. Think about things. 

It's nice catching the sunrise in HK, actually, even though I actually can't see the Sun. 

Grand-father clock rang again. 

Quiet time.

On my 13-hour flight to Hong Kong...

Of all the things I look forward to, in the hectic state that I was in this morning as I feverishly packed my bags, I most looked forward to some down-time on my flight. 

Funny. It's often what most people dread the most when it comes to cross-Pacific travel. 

But I quite like flying. I like going to the airport. I like the prospect of leaving for a journey, no matter how short, no matter how familiar it might be. And as it has became so often that I would travel alone, I enjoy sitting quiet at the boarding gate, often with a book in hand and listening to my ipod. It's my protected time. Nothing matters anymore once I'm at the gate. The bags are checked, the rush to the airport is behind me. There is nothing else to do but wait. And it's nice. 

Then, on the plane, I often quickly settle into my seat with my abundance of conveniences before more - my bottle of water that I brought just before boarding, my ipod, a book, maybe a diary, a magazine, and sometimes a few snacks - all shoved into the little seat pocket in front of me. For the next 13 hours, it is just me and me alone. I can do whatever. I don't even have to sleep if I don't feel like it. It is a time for relaxation. No tasks to really do. No timeline to follow. 

So far, I've watched one movie (Tropic Thunder), read though today's paper, read through the LX3 instruction booklet, and did a few work on my computer with my photos. About another 9 hours to go. Gonna watch a few more movies, and maybe even try to finish my book, finally. 

And of course, I still look forward to my airplane meals. I've always enjoyed them. I don't know why. So far, I have still only found one person who has shared my enthusiasm for airplane food, and even her interest is fading, I think. 

What should I do now? It's nice to have time on my hands for a change.