Life awaits..... only if I stop dreaming...

1:03 am. Early Monday morning. I laid there on my soft bed, half covered with my blanket.

Eyes wide open.

My mind has no intention of sleeping. Not even an ounce of fatigue. I even started sweating a little. It's too hot tonight.

I've been having nights like this. Completely, utterly, wakeful when it's supposingly bedtime. I've got to work tomorrow. I've tried to make an effort to wake up earlier. But my mind wouldn't listen. Like a wild animal, it does what it feels like. I am powerless to make myself fall asleep if my mind doesn't care to.

1:15 am. This is pointless.

Maybe it's because I haven't really stopped thinking about things.

Last week I told myself to count my blessings, not my regrets. I did quite well for a few days. But like a dreaded shadow, thoughts of self-doubts always creep back into my head. I still need a direction in life to feel alive. I still need new goals. I still need to feel that I'm thriving for something higher. That childish ambition. Those misguided dreams.

Those hidden demons, not so hidden at this day and age. I seemed consumed by them these days.

But maybe it's my obsessions with these senseless dreams that's preventing me from living my life today.

I guess I had a brief awakening (how odd as I was actually trying to sleep). For a second there I envisioned that my "dream" did come true, that I pictured myself somewhere else, doing whatever-it-is I thought I was supposed to be doing, but maybe at a cost of being elsewhere, in a different surrounding, away from my family, my friends, my niche.

I felt that picture quite lonely for a moment.

Success, when there is nobody to share it with, may be just as bitter.

I once questioned whether I should have gone over to Hong Kong for medical school, like a few of my friends did. I always wondered if I would have enjoyed reliving a second life there. Maybe I would have felt more at home in my surroundings. Maybe I would have felt less uncertain about my identity. Maybe I might have even met my special someone there (since I am predominately attracted to Chinese girls anyway) and got married already. Maybe. So many maybes.

I also once questioned whether I should have stayed at UBC for medical school instead of going to Toronto. Maybe I would have been less misguided about my careers as I went through school together with my family. Maybe I would have enjoyed my time a little better and stuck with a few of my original career goals. Maybe I would have also met somebody here, since I appeared to like Vancouverites more, and got married already. Maybe. So many maybes.

Regardless of what, I never felt that going to Toronto was a mistake. But it did highlight a good fundamental decision-making concept - the opportunity cost of chasing one dream. I went to Toronto because I thought it was the better school, and because I wanted to move to a bigger city. The opportunity cost was whatever that I would have missed by not staying here in Vancouver or going to Hong Kong.

Then I start to realize that I have almost everything that I would want right here at home in Vancouver today. I love living in this city. I have my family and close friends here with me. This is where I envision living and working. This is where I feel I can feed my other interests. Leaving here might turn out to be a bigger cost than I am willing to pay.

Plus here is still probably where I will have the greatest likelihood of finding someone to love.

The opportunity cost of chasing perhaps misguided dreams may be more costly than settling my aspirations and reframing my ambitions into something more concrete, but hopefully equally satisfying.

Somebody once said, "don't take yourself too seriously, because other people don't".

I might be the only one on this earth who is looking down upon myself.

It's just an awakening (can't believe I keep saying this word at what is now 1:36am).

But maybe I should start thinking about how to restart my life again.

After all, I am 31, and the clock's ticking.

Life awaits me to get my act together.

Love, goals, and ambition.

I think one thing I need in life is a sense of direction. I don't have to get there yet, but every time I develop an idea for an ambitious goal, I feel alive and driven to make the best of each day. It's what I live for.

When I see a goal, or when I feel ambitious, I feel that I am a promising human being again. Even if I'm not there yet, or even if the road is hard, I still feel strong, because if I have a goal, I'm not afraid of the fight.

When I am lost without a goal, or if I'm not sure which is the right goal (such as right now), I find myself very listless. I feel I am not progressing, while the world is still turning, and I stay stuck.

A man cannot be without goals. And I am cursed that I feel nothing when I cannot find my ambition.

But why is it so difficulty to get unstuck?

Perhaps that is because I think too much. Not with my head, but with my heart.

I am a creative soul. I like being expressive. I like to exercise my innate abilities. I like the feeling that I'm a natural at something and that I'm doing something I'm good at.

The strange thing is, I'm in a field of work that does not quite offer much creativity. The technical side of things run my day-to-day life. And even though they advertise that there's "art" involved, it is not the type of "art" that one would naturally subscribe to.

I guess part of me feels that I am not able to take a part of me to work with me. That is, I don't feel that I am playing to my strengths at work. I can do a good job, but little of it is "me". It's just my knowledge doing the talking, most of the time.

Yes, much of what we do in life is mundane. Most of the higher ranked careers are structurally rigid. Like an analyst, it's knowledge first, instinct second. Are we really being ourselves at work? Or are we just trying to keep ourselves alive WHILE we work?

I guess the frustrating part is realizing that I can no longer happily pronounce that I love my job. Mind you I don't hate it, and I am blessed to be doing it. I might even go as far as to say that I quite like it.

But love, now that's a strong statement.

To love something, you have to feel that it is becoming an intricate part of you. You intergrade with what you love, and you feel alive when you are part of it. Love is addictive, love sucks you in and harnesses your energy, body and soul. Love keeps you awake at night thinking about it. Love makes you wake up each morning yearning to do more of it.

If it doesn't do that, it doesn't fulfill the criteria for love.

Whether it be relationships, an object of desire, or a job.

Maybe I am being too romantic in my work. But I'm born in the year of the Sheep. They are naturally romantic beasts, the horoscope would say.

I just want to feel that I love what I do. Genuinely. Wholeheartedly. Happily.

Until then, I'm not sure where lies my happiness.

Happy Birthday to Mom!

I have a tendency to celebrate people's birthdays over three days...

Years ago, I decided to make my friend Queenie a birthday meal. I forgot what happened. Somehow she talked me into making her another. Then something else happened. I think in the end I made her three meals. She was thrilled.

This year, we decided to celebrate Mom's birthday (which is on a Saturday) by cooking her a Friday night dinner, a Saturday morning breakfast, and a Sunday evening cake. It was fun to hug my Jamie Oliver cookbook again and improvise on some dishes. In addition, I got more help from good old foodnetwork.com recipes.

Friday night I made her a nice Linguine with Shrimp and Lemon Oil and Arugula Pasta, courtesy of Giada De Laurentiis of food network. (http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/giada-de-laurentiis/linguine-with-shrimp-and-lemon-oil-recipe/index.html) As a side (become Mom loves Potatoes) I also made Jamie Oliver's new potatoes in lemon capers dressing alongside a fresh steamed Lobster.




Saturday morning I decided to follow Jamie Oliver's frittata idea but improvised with whatever I had in the fridge. In the end I made a Grilled Asparagus and Roasted Bell Pepper Frittata with a side Rosemary Straw Potatoes. It was the first time making a frittata. Watching it rise in the oven was amazing, and it looked remarkable and tasted even better.





Then Sunday night I had the urge to make some meringue, and so together with Mom we made a lovely Lemon Meringue Pie, spiked with lemoncello liquor and Grand Marnier. It was successful but I could have added a little more alcohol. Haha.

Who am I?

Lost. Silent. Drifting. Floating.

I'm losing myself. Day by day.

I've been lost for some time now. Haven't yet been found. Not really sure where to start.

Who am I? What is my identity? What lies in my future?

I'm coming near the end of one stage of my life. About to embark on another. And yet I've never been so lost.

Directionless. Compass-less. More self-doubt than I have ever experienced before.

Sometimes there are moments of inspirations. From people around me, from stories that I've read, from rare glimpse of clarity in my head when I thought I finally wrapped around my internal struggles.

But those quickly fades, as I continue to wrestle with internal struggles of pride, of greed, of ideologies and sometimes fantasies, of adjustable realities and perhaps achievable dreams.

I kind of know what I want, though not really in words. But they don't all match up. I've been having trouble putting everything in its place.

And yet I grow older still. Life awaits.

I'm terrible at letting things go. I chose of life of uncertainty and yet I am too coward to face it. I aspirate to play the role of an inspiring adventurer but yet I'm too chicken-shit to live it out confidentlly.

I want to believe that things will just be okay. But I'm not a believer.

It's becoming harder to take each step forward. There is still so much to learn, so much to improve on. But yet I am lacking focus. I sit and read and none of the contents are being filed neatly into my memory bank. They are all jumbled up, mushed up into a pile of shit that makes me feel I'm stuck and can read no more.

And then I just sit there. Pondering away. What should I do now?

Crossroads. So many crossroads. I never know how to cross them and enjoy it.

My voice has grew weaker. My eyes less confident. My steps less solid. My grips are loose.

It's becoming harder to wake up each morning. I lie around much longer in bed, with my radio blasting each morning's news until I cared about them no more.

Tic tac tic tac. The clock of life goes on ticking.

But my mind stays silently still.

Oh callouses my callouses...

Short, stubby, fingers.

Why can't you guys spread more easily?

Reach, strain, cramps...

Am I giving myself arthritis by doing this?

I have the worst possible hands for trying to learn the guitar.

At work I use size 6.5 gloves. They are frequently too small for some rooms to even stock them. Most docs look at me and wonder why I have such small hands.

I can barely get them to spread along the guitar neck...

Plus the steel strings. Oh those fine, hard, steel strings.

I wish my callouses would heal over faster so that I can keep practicing.

Why can't I get any better?

Fun Food Blog: Modern Club Teppanaki Restaurant

I always thought it was gone forever.

Probably more than 10 years ago, my old buddy Andy took me to this cozy little teppanaki restaurant on Dunbar to ty their Okonomiyaki, the only place in Vancouver to have these. For those who haven't tried it, Okonomiyaki is a version of the traditional Japanese "pancake" from Osaka, made with a mixture of cabbage and various veggies with various meats held together by a light egg batter and grilled on the hotplate. It's as much fun watching them make it as it is to eat it, and I guarantee your clothing will smell smoky afterwards. It unique and delicious. Somehow, I managed to forget both the name and location of the restaurant, and even though I've ventured around Dunbar numerous times, it never actually stood out enough for me to find it again. Eventually, I thought it had closed and forever left Vancouver and its lingering tastebugs...

Then a few weeks ago I spoke to an Uncle who knew that area well, and he told me that the place never left. I was so excited. I had to take my parents there. Finally!



We went on my birthday. It was as great as it was ten years ago. I'm not sure if the owners are the same, but their crafts was just as perfect. We tried two versions of the pancakes, one with grilled soba noodles and one without. I highly recommended getting one with mixed meats and prawns. As for the noodles, they are a nice touch but make it much more filling.

If you ever go, try to also try another version that they got, which is the pancake made not with cabbage but with green onions and mushrooms. We were too filled to try it, but it looked amazing.

I loved that this restaurant stayed open all these years. I hope that it will never close. It's the perfect setting for a nice interesting evening with unique food that you don't always get elsewhere. I love these little home-style restaurants. It's like travelling without having to pack your bags. Highly recommended.

On the other side of the table

Today I had the pleasure of being one of the interviewers for this year's candidates for family medicine residency for UBC. It's funny. I hardly felt qualified to interview these people. Firstly I never matched directly to this specialty. Secondly I think there are so many more truly devoted students out there who wish to be family doctors I felt odd that I play a part at deciding their career fates. Nonetheless, it sure was interesting being on the other side of the room being the one asking the, unfortunately, often ridiculously predictable questions. However, I love interviews, and I think it's a very precise art to perfect. From today, I've learn a couple of things that I think is true in interviews that I want to remember for when I go for interviews myself in the future. I thought I'll write them out to share. It might be helpful to some who is preparing for interviews. Others might disgree with me, but here's my take on some things to consider.

5 things I learned today when I was interviewing that might be useful to remember:

1. Make yourself memorable. I don't remember most of what each candidate said today in their answers, but I remember who made me felt they were truly passionate about something. If you think an answer is likely to be common (ie. choosing family medicine because diversity, get to do everything, continuity of care, blah...), then it's probably been said a thousand times. It does not pay to then say it one more time - it will only make me lose interest. Instead, make your answer personal. Tell me just one experience or event that shows me this job is right for you. It doesn't have to blow me away. It just has to be fresh, and I'll remember you.

2. Relax your body. I'll remember less about your words than how you look. And by that I don't mean your appearance, but instead your body language. I'll remember if you were a log, or if you were truly passionate about your answers. I'll remember if you lean forward suggesting that you were tense, or if you were too laid back as if you're so confident you didn't prepare yourself even just a little. I'll remember if you were so anxious you spoke a mile a minute, or if you were so slow that both of us almost fell asleep.

3. Be genuine but not forced. The best conversations are with people who are relaxed, genuine, and natural. Those mood makes almost everything click. If you're at ease, your interviewer is at ease, and all the better. I tend to remember, somewhat negatively, all those who were too pumped, too enthusiastic, too jittery, too confident, or too guarded.

4. Speak to be heard. Your answers are only valuable if they are digested by the interviewer. It's not enough simply to have said it out loud. If the interviewer doesn't look convinced, perhaps you need to take a different angle. The best candidates were the ones who engaged me in their answers. Often just by slowing down, letting the interviewer take in just part of the answer before going on, does wonders to maintain my attention.

5. You don't have to win me over. You just have to not mess it up. If you're plesant, natural, and genuinely identified that this job is right for you, then usually the feeling is pretty good on both sides. One or two candidates might have won me over, but more of them risked trying too hard and ended up looking worse. It's just like making a friend. If you felt like you've made a friend at the end of the interview, you've probably done pretty well.