Love, goals, and ambition.

I think one thing I need in life is a sense of direction. I don't have to get there yet, but every time I develop an idea for an ambitious goal, I feel alive and driven to make the best of each day. It's what I live for.

When I see a goal, or when I feel ambitious, I feel that I am a promising human being again. Even if I'm not there yet, or even if the road is hard, I still feel strong, because if I have a goal, I'm not afraid of the fight.

When I am lost without a goal, or if I'm not sure which is the right goal (such as right now), I find myself very listless. I feel I am not progressing, while the world is still turning, and I stay stuck.

A man cannot be without goals. And I am cursed that I feel nothing when I cannot find my ambition.

But why is it so difficulty to get unstuck?

Perhaps that is because I think too much. Not with my head, but with my heart.

I am a creative soul. I like being expressive. I like to exercise my innate abilities. I like the feeling that I'm a natural at something and that I'm doing something I'm good at.

The strange thing is, I'm in a field of work that does not quite offer much creativity. The technical side of things run my day-to-day life. And even though they advertise that there's "art" involved, it is not the type of "art" that one would naturally subscribe to.

I guess part of me feels that I am not able to take a part of me to work with me. That is, I don't feel that I am playing to my strengths at work. I can do a good job, but little of it is "me". It's just my knowledge doing the talking, most of the time.

Yes, much of what we do in life is mundane. Most of the higher ranked careers are structurally rigid. Like an analyst, it's knowledge first, instinct second. Are we really being ourselves at work? Or are we just trying to keep ourselves alive WHILE we work?

I guess the frustrating part is realizing that I can no longer happily pronounce that I love my job. Mind you I don't hate it, and I am blessed to be doing it. I might even go as far as to say that I quite like it.

But love, now that's a strong statement.

To love something, you have to feel that it is becoming an intricate part of you. You intergrade with what you love, and you feel alive when you are part of it. Love is addictive, love sucks you in and harnesses your energy, body and soul. Love keeps you awake at night thinking about it. Love makes you wake up each morning yearning to do more of it.

If it doesn't do that, it doesn't fulfill the criteria for love.

Whether it be relationships, an object of desire, or a job.

Maybe I am being too romantic in my work. But I'm born in the year of the Sheep. They are naturally romantic beasts, the horoscope would say.

I just want to feel that I love what I do. Genuinely. Wholeheartedly. Happily.

Until then, I'm not sure where lies my happiness.