Life awaits..... only if I stop dreaming...

1:03 am. Early Monday morning. I laid there on my soft bed, half covered with my blanket.

Eyes wide open.

My mind has no intention of sleeping. Not even an ounce of fatigue. I even started sweating a little. It's too hot tonight.

I've been having nights like this. Completely, utterly, wakeful when it's supposingly bedtime. I've got to work tomorrow. I've tried to make an effort to wake up earlier. But my mind wouldn't listen. Like a wild animal, it does what it feels like. I am powerless to make myself fall asleep if my mind doesn't care to.

1:15 am. This is pointless.

Maybe it's because I haven't really stopped thinking about things.

Last week I told myself to count my blessings, not my regrets. I did quite well for a few days. But like a dreaded shadow, thoughts of self-doubts always creep back into my head. I still need a direction in life to feel alive. I still need new goals. I still need to feel that I'm thriving for something higher. That childish ambition. Those misguided dreams.

Those hidden demons, not so hidden at this day and age. I seemed consumed by them these days.

But maybe it's my obsessions with these senseless dreams that's preventing me from living my life today.

I guess I had a brief awakening (how odd as I was actually trying to sleep). For a second there I envisioned that my "dream" did come true, that I pictured myself somewhere else, doing whatever-it-is I thought I was supposed to be doing, but maybe at a cost of being elsewhere, in a different surrounding, away from my family, my friends, my niche.

I felt that picture quite lonely for a moment.

Success, when there is nobody to share it with, may be just as bitter.

I once questioned whether I should have gone over to Hong Kong for medical school, like a few of my friends did. I always wondered if I would have enjoyed reliving a second life there. Maybe I would have felt more at home in my surroundings. Maybe I would have felt less uncertain about my identity. Maybe I might have even met my special someone there (since I am predominately attracted to Chinese girls anyway) and got married already. Maybe. So many maybes.

I also once questioned whether I should have stayed at UBC for medical school instead of going to Toronto. Maybe I would have been less misguided about my careers as I went through school together with my family. Maybe I would have enjoyed my time a little better and stuck with a few of my original career goals. Maybe I would have also met somebody here, since I appeared to like Vancouverites more, and got married already. Maybe. So many maybes.

Regardless of what, I never felt that going to Toronto was a mistake. But it did highlight a good fundamental decision-making concept - the opportunity cost of chasing one dream. I went to Toronto because I thought it was the better school, and because I wanted to move to a bigger city. The opportunity cost was whatever that I would have missed by not staying here in Vancouver or going to Hong Kong.

Then I start to realize that I have almost everything that I would want right here at home in Vancouver today. I love living in this city. I have my family and close friends here with me. This is where I envision living and working. This is where I feel I can feed my other interests. Leaving here might turn out to be a bigger cost than I am willing to pay.

Plus here is still probably where I will have the greatest likelihood of finding someone to love.

The opportunity cost of chasing perhaps misguided dreams may be more costly than settling my aspirations and reframing my ambitions into something more concrete, but hopefully equally satisfying.

Somebody once said, "don't take yourself too seriously, because other people don't".

I might be the only one on this earth who is looking down upon myself.

It's just an awakening (can't believe I keep saying this word at what is now 1:36am).

But maybe I should start thinking about how to restart my life again.

After all, I am 31, and the clock's ticking.

Life awaits me to get my act together.