Remember the wandering soul

It’s been tough stretch. The department is getting increasingly unbearably busy. The waits are long and the front line staff are all overwhelmed and exhausted. Morale is extremely low. A few of our docs are down (one injured, a few are off due to COVID), and many have been tasked to pick up extra shifts and have less off days.

So today, I was off after working a stretch of shifts. It was a welcomed addition. Or it should have been.

But instead I was restless all day. Irritated. Unsettled. Borderline annoyed.

At nothing in particular. My mood was just flat, and sour. Even when the weather was seemingly beautiful. I wanted nothing to do with it. I stayed inside all day, only occasionally staring out at the sun through my semi darkening blinds.

I just became irritable at small things. It’s like that when I was at work. But when I’m off, I have no excuse. My short mood must have carried over to my off days.

Then gradually, over the course of my evening (undoubtedly helped by seeing a facebook friend post some travel photos and by rewatching an old Jason Bourne movie with scenes of Eastern Europe…), I started to remember that at times like these, sometimes what digs me out of my flatness, my restlessness, would be an inspiration and perhaps a desire to go somewhere. To wander. To explore. To be inspired by new surroundings. The possibilities of a new destination always seems to bring an once of excitement and hope.

I have forgotten, that I miss travelling. Sometimes, when you don’t do something for a while, you forget how it can make you feel, even simply thinking about it.

For two years, with COVID, the prospect of travelling was non-existent. I’ve never been a fan of tourist-destination hopping. I prefer to drop into a destination, perhaps ANY destination, and just wander, to see nothing in particular, but just, be somewhere. Soak up the scene, let myself sense something I wasn’t so used to. Let new thoughts enter my mind. New imagery to my soul.

And it’s not like all those possibilities are rushing back. Not yet. (Although for many others in the world, it seemed that they have already accepted the risk of travel and picked up their bags and went.) For me, the implications are still far too heavy (work obligations, family well being) for me to feel freed of those transmission concerns and to simply fly off at the first destination that pops into my head.

But hopefully, in the not too distance future, I will be freed and capable to do that again.

But this reminded me, that I like to wander. That is my nature. That is what makes me feel alive. Part of the beauty of my job (to balance out with all the negativeness of it), is at least the flexibility to travel. In fact, for the longest time, I didn’t want any of those fixed obligations that would make me feel tied down (such as having to look after a detached home, or even a dog…). Living the life or an ER doc, doing shift work with the occasional gaps off, living in a condo with a concierge that I feel somewhat carefree to leave behind...  to some extend I’m living the perfect life for a wandering soul.

And that made me wonder.

Do I really want to give that up?

Yes, I have given a lot of thought of leaving my work, or at least to start contemplating viable exit strategies in my near future. The stress of the job. The hectic pace. The impact on my mind and body. Most days, it simply wasn’t enjoyable anymore to even THINK about work. If I didn’t need the income, I would have probably left. Recently, my department head had asked me to consider taking on my administrative duties, and maybe even if I wanted to take over from her spot. I had seriously been considering it as a way to off load some clinical hours, at the risk of losing some of my work flexibility that I so enjoyed.

But perhaps, if I once again allow myself to indulge in the perks of my line of work, I would be more ready to accept its shortcomings, and maybe even find it in me to continue to devote myself in it. So I could be as best as I could be at my work, and allowing myself to be as best as I could be outside of it.

Let me not forget about the dream of what makes me feel alive, simply because I’ve spent too much time stressing about the work that has me feel so much less so.