Acceptance, Arrival, and Perseveration

I've inherited a lot of good things from my parents, one of which is the spirit of persistence and the believe that, with enough will and creativity, one can always find ways to get what he wants in the end.

I've lived that spirit for much my adult life and opened my doors to my future.

And then I take that spirit many steps too far, and all my doors are closing because of it.

My perseverance has became a stubbornness, one that I had not learned to shake for many years.

I have yet to learn, that in many facets of life, one does not always get what he wants.

And that is often harder if one does not even know what he wants.

I refuse to settle, but by doing so I also refuse to settle my dreams.

I let them evolve, let them transform according to my day to day inclinations, until they lose their original form and I start to wonder when I will recognize them again.

I refuse to accept my new found reality, because I felt I am still searching for my bearings. But I kept switching targets.

Arrival. I have not yet felt I have arrived at the place I set out to go so many years ago when I set on this long and trying pursuit.

Arrival cannot happen if I keep changing the destinations.

Does one ever arrive? Does arrival mean settling for the reality, when reality rarely matches the dreams.

Or is it simply acceptance. Accept one's place in this world, where I am now and what I have destined to become, and accept it with pride for what it stands for and embrace.

I have not yet learned to accept. I question what I am capable of, if I only keep pushing.

But by refusing to accept, and not feeling I have arrived have left me empty inside. I am slowly wasting away my youth, my opportunities, my time.

Instead I forget to celebrate what I have been given. The knowledge. The responsibilities. The securities. The possibilities.

And instead I tend to focus on my envies. I perseverates, on my many brief moments of envies that would take hold of me for days, and I let them sway my intentions.

I live my life by trying to cherish little moments, but it is these moments that are eating me up. I let them dominate my thoughts. I let them question who I am. I let them change my course.

I have not learned the concept of "make the most of my current situations". Instead, I keep trying to redefine my situation.

What is most important to me today? What shall I embrace? A good friend once reminded me to ask myself.

I kinda know the answer, but I'm not sure which are my true values, and which are my aspirations generated by moments of envy.

Stop looking for my arrival.

Accept what I have been given. It's impossible to know if past decisions were right or wrong.

Make the most of my situation. Accept that some options may not exist.

Remember my blessings.